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Construction Jokes

Construction Definitions (Comic)

Fixing Fences

Special Nails

Four Strikes

An Audit

Lunchtime


Construction Definitions (Comic)

Contractor - A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.

Bid Opening - A poker game in which the losing hand wins.

Low Bidder - A contractor who is wondering what he/she left out.

Engineer's Estimate - The cost of construction in Heaven.

Project Manager - The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.

Critical Path Method - A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.

OSHA - A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, split hairs, red tape and baloney - usually applied at random with a shot gun.

Strike - An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.

Delayed Payment - A tourniquet applied at the pockets.

Completion Date - The point at which liquidated damages begin.

Liquidated Damages - A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.

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Fixing Fences

Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. when they each replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me your bids."

First the Florida contractor took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "I figure the job will run about $900 -- $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick calculations and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700 -- $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Finally, the guard asks the New York contractor for his bid. Without batting an eye, the contractor says, "$2,700."

The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Missouri."

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Special Nails

Two simple carpenters were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.

The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"

The second simpleton got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

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Four Strikes

A carpenter was fixing the roof of a church, when he struck his thumb.

"Dammit, I missed!" cries the carpenter.

The minister corrects him, saying, "You shouldn't say such a thing in the church."

The carpenter continues his work, and soon strikes his thumb again. "Dammit, I missed!" he yells. The minister again corrects the carpenter.

The carpenter continues with his work without further comment. Again the carpenter strikes his thumb, and again he yells, "Dammit, I missed!"

When the minister corrects him this time, the carpenter asks, "What's going to happpen? A bolt of lightening going to strike me dead?"

The minister says, "As a matter of fact, yes it will."

Suddenly a bolt of lightening comes through the roof, and strikes the minister dead. A large booming voice is heard saying, "Dammit, I missed!"

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An Audit

A construction worker dies on in a fishing accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!"

"Congratulations for what?" asks the construction worker.

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter. "We are celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old."

"But that's not true," says the construction worker. "I only lived to be forty."

"That's impossible," says Saint Peter, "we added up your time sheets."

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Lunchtime

A driver, a roofer, and their foreman were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch, and the driver said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The roofer opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The foreman opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

Next day the driver opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage, and jumps to his death. The roofer opens his lunch, sees a burrito, and he jumps too. The foreman opens his lunch, sees the bologna, and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral the driver's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"

The roofer's wife also weeps and says, "I should have given him a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turns and stares at the foreman's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she says. "He makes his own lunch."

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